it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
