I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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