Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
