im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
