Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
