I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
