you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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