9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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