Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
