before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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