god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
