i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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