Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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