If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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