Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
