For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
