Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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