census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
