i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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