I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
