I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
