The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
