New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
