fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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