i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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