Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
