No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
