I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
