every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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