yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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