While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
