I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
