Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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