Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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