I just found puke in my bra..
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
