I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
