I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
