Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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