PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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