She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
