Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
