I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
