Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
