I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
