my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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