I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I think I just sharted jello shots
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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