Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
