oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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