Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
