i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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