you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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