Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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