Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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