In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
