Even the bartender felt bad for me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
