i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
