Taylor Swift is so right about you.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
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just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
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You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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