I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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