Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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