i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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